Man is this the ultimate gift in life?.... Perspective.... Here lately my perspective has changed. I haven't written in awhile and for some reason my new found revelation of perspective has made me yearn to write about this subject. Why do i feel the need to share you ask? because without perspective i would have been lost wondering around this world aimlessly hoping for a light that i feared would never be found. So maybe you could use some perspective as well.
In February i lost my grandma, aka the love of my life, my best friend, my mother, my sister, my world...
She was all of those things for me, my whole life. When she died i broke. I would stare long and distant looking for her, for a sign, for a sliver of something that would bring me to her. There was nothing, No ounce of her memory, our memories, my life... it felt like when she went that my childhood went with it, As if it didn't exist anymore, all of my feel good memories of her and i swinging on the porch for hours where gone.
For awhile i doubted my faith, i doubted what i believed, and to tell you the truth i was mad at God, mad at taking her, then my anger turned into lost faith... which let me tell you, to believe there is no god, no heaven, no chance of ever seeing my grandma again.... Lets just say life can feel lonely and meaningless. I was okay with going through this cause for me the search wasn't over.
Im a "happy ending" type of person i knew i would find my faith again, that my walk with god would have some detours, but thats kind of what i like about it. My road won't always be straight and narrow with him. Sometimes it'll be wide and rough, with many forks and, road blocks along the way. Im ok with that cause i believe thats what makes the end so sweet. I just don't believe its supposed to be that easy.
So about my perspective:
This is my grandpa ( mind you this is an awful picture of him that my sister took, he had no clue she was taking a picture, but in a way this is kind of the face he probably would have made had he known),
This is not my biological grandpa, but he's the only grandpa I've ever known so to me he's my grandpa.
When he lost my grandma in Feb. i've never seen a grown adult come so unglued. Mind you he is the most docile human on this earth. You could never make him mad, or sad, or even happy for that matter, he's never been one for much emotions and honestly we've only ever had small conversation my entire life. So when he came unglued we where all shocked. We had no idea how much she meant to him. Of course he loved her but oh my he LOVED her, and it all took us by surprise. I wish so bad my grandma could have seen just how much he really cared for her, then maybe she would have been a little nicer to him. All those years he took care of her, never once did he complain, never did he have resentment or anger, nothing, he did it all for her out of love.
Once she passed he suffered a major heart attack. I believe that was his rock bottom, and then something happened he started getting rid of things like his horses, he fixed up their home, he finished this things she always wanted finished, he bought a vespa motor bike! I believe he started living for himself. All those years he took care of her he forgot about him, what he wanted to do, what he needed, what he liked. For so long it was always about her and what she wanted. My poor grandpa never once put himself first, and maybe just maybe she needed to go, she needed to leave so that he could have one last hurrah, one last thought about what he wants for himself. I was so selfish in the fact that i couldn't have her to myself, only to realize he needed some time for himself. As much as it hurt us all to see her go. Him living his life has healed us all.
Red was her favorite color too.
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| Betty's Drinking the coke :) |
